Welcome to the NFL playoffs — where I, a Dolphins fan, am miserable. You guys may be pumped for this weekend, but I’m just sitting here trying to budget for Peacock while also trying to figure out how we got here.

We’ll get to the frauds down south in a bit, but it’ll be a while because they ain’t sniffing the top tier this week. Frankly, they shouldn’t sniff the top two, but we’ll see how it all shakes out.

Anyway, back to the NFL playoffs — and Super Wild Card weekend! Underrated weekend, mainly because it’s so new. When did we even start calling it Super Wild Card weekend? No idea, but I love it.

Two games Saturday, three more Sunday and then Joe and Troy take us home Monday night. Smells like another full weekend of gambling to me!

Look, the field is pretty thin compared to the rest of the rankings this year, so there’s no real theme this week. Instead, let’s look at all 14 playoff teams and rank them based on how realistic it is for them to actually make a Super Bowl run.

Spoiler alert: I don’t know that we have a 2009 Cardinals team among us, but who knows! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!

Didn’t think so.

It’s NFL Power Rankings: the ‘do these guys really stand a chance’ playoffs edition!

Tier 1: The something needs to go horribly wrong for them not to run the table tier

Baltimore Ravens

That’s it. That’s the team. It’s the Ravens and then everyone else, and that includes San Francisco. The only thing Baltimore didn’t want to see was Buffalo making the playoffs over Jacksonville.

That could be the only hiccup over the next few weeks for the Ravens, who will spend Super Wild Card weekend golfing and slinging Busch Lights while the rest of the peasants in the AFC duke it out.

Well, that and Lamar Jackson going down. If that happens, it’s curtains. If not, I’m not really sure Baltimore loses two games at home. The defense is loaded, the offense is unstoppable, Lamar is on a different planet right now and they’re actually healthy.

Who’s beating them? We know it ain’t Miami or Pittsburgh. Kansas City stinks this year. Houston’s probably a little too young. Cleveland’s frisky but let’s be real. Josh Allen goes through turnovers like I do tins of Copenhagen. I just don’t see how the Ravens lose …

… which means they’ll be one and done! You’re welcome, Baltimore!

Tier 2: The these guys are gonna be a problem but could also get canceled before the Super Bowl tier

2. San Francisco 49ers
3. Buffalo Bills
4. Aaron Rodgers
5. Detroit Lions
6. Michigan Wolverines

All these teams have flaws, but they’re all gonna be a tough out. Some may even win the national title!

The 49ers are probably the best team coming out of the NFC, but I don’t think it’s as cut-and-dry as the Ravens in the AFC.

I could see Detroit going in there and winning because Dan Campbell is a lunatic and I’d never count him out. I could probably even see the Rams going on a run and pulling a rabbit out of their hat in San Francisco. Division games always scare the piss out of me in the playoffs. All bets are off.

And no, I’m not including Dallas in there because we all know the Cowboys lose that game 38-17. It’s in the script and has been for 30 years now.

The 49ers are pretty nasty, but they’re not the unmovable object we all thought they were two months ago. The Ravens going in there and beating them like a drum pretty much proved that.

As for the AFC … the Bills are exactly where I thought Miami would be a month ago. Sitting at the No. 2 seed with a cozy home matchup against Mason Rudolph staring them in the face. After that, they probably get the Chiefs on a down year. What a gift.

Must be nice.

See you in August, Aaron. Rest up!

Tier 3: The will probably lose in heartbreaking fashion over the next three weeks tier

7. Dallas Cowboys
8. Kansas City Chiefs
9. Philadelphia Eagles

This one is so obvious. I honestly like Dallas a lot, but you know it’s coming, right? Hell, it could happen Sunday.

Would anyone really be that shocked if Green Bay goes into Dallas and pulls out some BS win? Of course not! We’ve seen it before. We see it every year! It’s as American as apple pie. A January tradition like no other.

The Eagles are a mess. My chiropractor is a huge Eagles fan and I when I went in this week for my post-hunting adjustment he was in shambles. They’re ready to send Nick Sirianni to the SUN in Philadelphia. What a fall.

Didn’t see it coming:

As for the Chiefs, I fully expect them to win Saturday when it’s a billion below outside and they’re facing Melvin Ingram coming off the edge in 2023, but it won’t last.

At some point over the next three weeks, Pat Mahomes will try to put together an amazing final drive only for it to fall just short in demoralizing fashion. Just watch.

Tier 4: Th frisky team that you nobody wants to play tier

10. LA Rams
11. Puca Nacua’s girlfriend, Hallie Aiono

I figured the Rams would be a dumpster fire this year because last season was so awful, but I’m thrilled to be wrong. When Sean McVay is in the mix, the league is better. Love that dude.

Add in some Matty Stafford playing like it’s 2022 again, and it’s all systems go. Love the NFL script writers for giving us Stafford and McVay vs. Goff this weekend. What a dream. Remember earlier when I said the Ravens have pretty much just ran through every single team they’ve played this year?

Well, the freaking LA Rams nearly beat ’em at home just a few weeks ago, and they’re playing some good ball right now.

A healthy Cooper Cupp and Puka on the outside, with a healthy Stafford slinging the rock, a healthy Kyren Williams running it and psycho Sean McVay calling plays is certainly enough to scare the piss out of anyone in the NFC.

If there’s a sleeper NFL team that could go on one of those crazy wild card runs this year, feel like it’s the fellas out in Newsom’s California.

Thoughts, Hallie?

Tier 5: The thank God Deshaun Watson isn’t our QB tier

12. Cleveland Browns
13. Houston Texans

What a year for Cleveland fans! Not only do they still make the playoffs and get a very winnable first game on the road, but they also get to root for a non-creepy quarterback! Win-win!

Congrats to OutKick’s Anthony Farris on being able to look himself in the mirror once again on Sundays. What a weight off his shoulders.

Look, I almost put the Browns in the above category, but this tier was too easy to pass up. That being said, I do think they could also fit in the NFL team nobody wants to play tier, because Joe Flacco is apparently 28 again and the defense is scary as hell. Bad combo for anyone going against them this month.

As for the Texans, CJ Stroud is a DUDE and will be a problem for anyone and everyone moving forward. Houston’s probably a year away, but the usually awful Saturday at 4:30 wild card game should actually be good this year, so I’m all in.

Just glad both these teams finally have their franchise quarterbacks!

Tier 6: The teams that spent the week secretly looking up tee times tier

14. Miami Dolphins
15. Green Bay Packers
16. Pittsburgh Steelers
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sorry fellas, but ya’ll got not shot at a Super Bowl run this year. None. Zero. Zilch. It pains me to say it as a miserable Dolphins fan, but I pretty much started accepting it the second Josh Allen scrambled for 13 yards on third down the other night. I’ve been mentally checked out since then.

Too many injuries, for starters. Do you realize that Melvin Ingram, Justin Houston and Bruce Irvin are all slated to have prominent roles against Patrick Mahomes Saturday night … in 2024.

Miami will play better than everyone thinks, probably at some point have a lead, and then find a way to piss it away in the fourth quarter. There. I just saved you all $5.99 Saturday night. You’re welcome.

Watch the King of Queens instead.

Green Bay, like Houston, is probably a year or two away. Scrappy bunch, though.

Pittsburgh is starting Mason Rudolph in a playoff game.

The Bucs just beat the Panthers — arguably the worst NFL team in years — 9-0. Feels like a get-right game for Philly.

Do enjoy me some 2002 NFC championship game highlights, though. PEAK Buccaneers right here:

Not Joe Buck’s best call, but that’s neither here nor there.

And on that note, let’s go have ourselves a Super NFL Wild Card weekend!